Introvert

I have 15 voicemails (last time I checked) from as far back as February, that I have not yet listened to and don't intend to anytime soon. I treat people I love like email I don't want to read or reply to.

It's not so much that I want someone to listen to me, but to understand- to relate.

But most times I don't want to talk.

I have a brother that I love to death, but doesn't have an idea as to what is going on with me. He has to read my online journal to decipher what is going on with me on a daily basis. It breaks my heart.

I have friends that love me, but I ignore, because I can't reach out and I don't want them to know how I'm doing, yet I want someone to understand what it is I am feeling. I can only cry, like right now.

I just received a text message from Dr. Lucas telling me that my No. 1 Fighter has "slipt under" from a bad reaction to the medicing and he won't wake up. He went in to get treatment for the Cancer that was once in his spine- it moved to his left shoulder thru his blood. He was worried before he went in- that I wouldn't be around, if something were to happen. I am to be 400 miles away tomorrow with Josh, a place I have not been in a long time...

Everyone says the same things... everyone has just watched from afar. I am living with it everyday. I have to look at it in the face, everyday. It is the most painful thing I have ever felt in my life. I can't imagine what I would do if Josh had Cancer or one of my parents.

Why?????? I have a cousin named Robyn. She was diagnosed with Cancer at 17 years old. At 17 years old, she had her uterus removed... WHY???? that was almost 2 years ago, and now the Cancer has infested her intestines, colon, kidneys???? That is all of her insides...... WHY?????? She didn't even get to go to college!!!!!

I am so angry... I am so tired of being angry----- when I am not yelling, I am quietly screaming inside. And I just wish someone would understand what the fuck I am feeling, you know??? I want to say I wish you knew how I feel, but that would mean I was wishing something ill on others and I don't want that at all-- I just wish someone could KNOW what I am feeling and not just feel sorry for me or tell me "it will all come to pass" or some uplifting bullshit like that. I have never had to deal with Cancer in my face like this. I have heard of distant relatives or classmate's parents or someone very detached from me, but never have I had to look it in the face, every day.

Now I have to find a way to the hospital. The Dr. just text me again. He confirmed that he is in a minor coma and that he may need to hear my voice to come back.

It's not gone.

I am crying. I am fucking angry, but I am also so torn inside.

I don't know what to do

I just wanted to thank you all. Those that have shared their thoughts and kind words and those that have read and remained silent. I wanted to write something to let you know that your words have not gone unnoticed or unappreciated. I am very thankful for all of you. Right now, I want to write about how I am feeling and what I have been feeling in the past year as it's theraputic for me, but I'm short on time- I have important things to take care of right now..... I cannot thank you enough.

Love,

yoko